if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you had me at cake vodka
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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