thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
