i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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