i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
