If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
