Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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