He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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