happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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