the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
