This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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