If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
