Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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