So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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