brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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