so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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