Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
