ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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