What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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