Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
