why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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