Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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