If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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