u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
