i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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