Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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