yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
