Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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