i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
