When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just invented taco cereal.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
