The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
