It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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