$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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