Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
