why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize