I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
