hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
