Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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