You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
