You're my little dorito
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We had sex on a dog bed..
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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