He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
