I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
