3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just made out with a guy for $7.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
