ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
