So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
