The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize