I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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