from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize