My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
we made out on top of his cat.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
