Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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