you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
