My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He? As in you personified your dick?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
