TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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