The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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