I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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