I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
